bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
