So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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