I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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