aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
