Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
