why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Randomize
