my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
