Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
