So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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