Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
