If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
