Already got asked if we're dating
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
