It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
