a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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