He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
