I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
