You're a womanizer and a bitch.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
