I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
