They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
