I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
