I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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