my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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