so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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