East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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