Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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