Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
