we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
