Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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