I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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