You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
