I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
