He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Send help, water and tortillas.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He has the fingertips of a God
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