i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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