Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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