Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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