i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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