Define "chronic" masturbator.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
