Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
