the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
