Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
