I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
