the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
