I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
