I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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