there was a trapeze. enough said
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
