Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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