I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
