When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
