Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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