If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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