yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Will you blow on my dice?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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